Putting Together the Pieces of the Puzzle: My Conversion Jouney

Here in the mission field, people often ask me if I'm a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and when I say yes, they want to hear my story of how it happened. Usually I answer by saying, "Oh you should hear my husband's story. It's much more interesting than mine!" I'm afraid that people want from me a wonderful faith-promoting story and I don't feel like I can offer that. But I feel like it's time to tell it anyway, so here I go.

I came into the Church as an eighteen year old who was just finishing High School. My teenage years had been very difficult and I struggled against depression, anxiety and extremely low self-esteem. The truth of the matter is, I became interested in the Church because a boy I had a crush on in High School became a member of the Church and I was completely amazed that he had done that. Up to then, I had seen Mormons as particularly uncool people who went door to door and were a bother to people in their homes. My brother liked to call them "The Morons" and I saw no reason to disagree. But the thing is, that boy in High School who became a Mormon WAS cool. He was totally among the cool kids so I was absolutely floored he would become a Mormon, of all things.

I didn't have the courage to ask him about the Church. That would be too much like admitting I had a crush on him which, when I look back on it, he knew anyway. How I started taking the missionary lessons is by encountering a pair of particularly uncool missionaries on the street who started talking to me. I agreed to let them come back to my house and teach me. 

My parents weren't thrilled but didn't stop me. I was legally an adult by then, after all, and they weren't ones to interfere much with my decisions. So I started learning about Joseph Smith and The First Vision and The Book of Mormon. I started reading The Book of Mormon and didn't understand everything but it made me think and ponder the questions of life and religion. A little bit of my teenage misery melted away as I began to read and learn about the Church. People noticed.

When the missionaries asked me to come to Church, I said no. I was terrified I'd run into the boy from high school and then "HE WOULD KNOW!!!" I guess when you're a self-conscious insecure teenager, that's the way you think.

I don't remember how, but eventually that boy found out I was investigating the Church and he expressed his happiness to me that this was so. So I attended a meeting the next Sunday. And when the missionaries challenged me to be baptized and seemed so sure it was the right thing to do, I went along with it.  

Looking back on that situation now, I see myself allegorically as having been handed a box with a jigsaw puzzle inside and being told that a beautiful picture would unfold as I put it together. I took out a few pieces from the box and what I was able to put together looked good and mostly felt right but I wasn't really sure. The thing is, I was incapable of being sure of anything. It would take years and years before my mental and emotional anxieties would heal enough for me to gain confidence in my beliefs.  

Early on I was taught to pray and read scriptures daily and I mostly did after being baptized. My life improved in increments. I found love and fellowship among the young adults of the Church which I needed desperately. I craved to be something better than I was and eventually I decided that going on a mission would make me into the perfect person I wanted to be. I also thought it would make me sure of everything I had questions about. By this time I had attended many church meetings where people told these wonderful faith promoting stories of their missions and I wanted experiences like that. And besides, my friends were going on missions so I thought it would be the right thing to do. It was common to hear returned missionaries say, "It was the best eighteen months (or two years) of my life!" and I was sure my mission would be the same. I heard it would be difficult but I romanticized those difficulties before I actually experienced them.

My time in the England Coventry Mission had incredible highs and incredible lows and believe you me, I quickly stopped romanticizing about the difficulties I experienced. I learned much from my experience and about the Church there but my self-doubt and low self esteem were always lurking in the background. We didn't have the medical and mental health helps that missionaries have now. We just put our heads down and got on with things. We taught some people, and some people came into the Church because we taught them. Those were nice experiences. But at the end of my mission, I felt disappointed that I wasn't perfect and still felt unsure about many things, most of all myself.

I can't honestly say that my mission in England was the best eighteen months of my life. I can, however, say that it was probably the best eighteen months FOR my life. The mission I'm on right now is the best eighteen months of my life. I've never been happier.

Between that mission and this, I have slowly but surely been putting the pieces of the puzzle together and what is forming is indeed a beautiful picture.

But there have been times over the years that I have picked up puzzle pieces that didn't make sense to me and didn't look like they fit anywhere. Others may have picked them up and showed them to me saying, "This is weird! This is stupid! This is strange! Look how ugly this is!"and the puzzle piece by itself did indeed look strange. I have stared at and analyzed those puzzle pieces wondering if I should toss out the entire puzzle because of these particular pieces that made no sense to me.

I have also at times looked hopelessly at the empty parts of the puzzle feeling like there would never be pieces of the puzzle to fill in the picture. 

And if I had allowed myself to only focus on those strange pieces or the empty space, I would indeed have tossed out the entire jigsaw puzzle. But I didn't. My eyes would go back to the part of the jigsaw puzzle that had been put together and it did indeed look like a beautiful picture was forming.

Let me tell you some of what I see in that beautiful part of the puzzle. First and foremost it is The Book of Mormon. For me, it is an amazing book that fills me with wisdom, understanding and peace to my soul. It companions with The Bible so beautifully and has helped me in my life in powerful ways. Having read and studied it many times, I can't believe it could be anything but what it claims to be: an ancient scripture translated for us in modern times by a prophet of God.

I also see in that picture the teachings of where we come from, why we're here and where we're going after this life. Although people of other faiths may say it to us, we don't say that people of different beliefs and churches than us are going to Hell. When Christ said "In my house there are many mansions" we believe that's true and that there is a place for most of God's children based on God's grace and their choices in this life. We want to teach people why they came to this Earth; to turn to Christ so that they don't have to feel the Hell of remorse and regret for not choosing to do better with their time here or for doing things that have hurt others. To me a beautiful part of being in this church is understanding our purpose for being on this earth. 

My conversion to this Church was and is just as this Book of Mormon scripture says in 2 Nephi 28:30:

"For behold, thus saith the Lord God:

I will give unto the children of men

line upon line, precept upon precept,

here a little and there a little;

and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts,
and lend an ear unto my counsel,

for they shall learn wisdom;

for unto him that receiveth I will give more;

and from them that shall say, We have enough,

from them shall be taken away

even that which they have."

I truly have faith that one step at a time in my jouney through life and beyond, my jigsaw puzzle will be completed and will be an even greater joy to behold.